Love & Respect

I peer down at my shoelaces.
They are tied up in a way that could almost compress my entire personality. I, myself & the laces; we act in a similar fashion.

Bundles of untidy knots that easily unravel & sprawl themselves all over my trusty trainers. They then spindle out onto the concrete pavements & create chaos. They fly up & jibe out in rebellion against the force dragging them along the street. They act out inviting completely unnessecery drama.

I enter the ring & play their game by stubbornly deciding these pathetic strings of cotton will not defeat me.

” I have people to see, places to go. I already tied my shoelaces today. If they have come undone, that’s their fault. Not mine. Don’t call me a failure.. I am walking on..”.

Several strides later, the awkwardness of altered walking drives me to look down & reconsider. “Perhaps maybe I should just be sensible?” The appropriate normal action to take would be to stop, put life on pause & simply tie them. It takes two seconds. I tell myself I will tie them when I get to my location. I continue to walk.

Feeling isolated and silly, I am aware of the onlookers who fleetingly abandon contact with my eyes to glance down at my feet & then up again. Eye to eye. Pupil to pupil.

It irritates me that these people think they are being clever by creating their very own warning flash without even SPEAKING to me. I feel angry & I want them to mind their own business. I am actually angry with myself. I am not angry with them. Ultimately they have my best interests at heart & clearly have kind, caring souls.

Why do I choose to not look after myself how other people choose to look after themselves ? Why do I not care for myself? Why do I not keep myself safe ? Why? Why? Why?

My self neglect seeps out into all areas of my life. It is not only my food.

The problem is all to do with the LOVE & RESPECT I have towards myself. This is the missing part in my jigsaw puzzle. I can’t find a valid reason to respect myself & therefore do not show myself love.

When I am unable to love / respect myself I find it more difficult to love & respect others. Nonetheless they all receive more love & respect from me than that of which I choose to give to myself.

Hopefully this will change.

I need to continue to practise parenting myself.

& I also need to continue to depend on that Almighty Power greater than myself; God.