My heavy body is sleeping lightly at the moment. I miss the days when my light body was sleeping heavily. The days when I was healthy, happy & alive… Those days – I just want them back.
In the dark, early hours of this morning, despair decided to come out to play. He pounced right on top of me & dug his teeth deep into my heart. His intention was to gobble up my last, remaining reserve of Love. This has always been his sly desire. So I fell into a wakeful coma. My insides shuddered for hours. I guess I could have measured in on the Richter scale @ 9.
The weirdness of ‘life’ after abandonment of oneself; it is the bizarrest of concepts to get your head around. Also the bizarrest of feelings. It always leaves me feeling wildly disorientated.
My head was spinning. In an auto mode of survival, I attempted to recover a sense of ground. I did this by scanning my brain but I found nothing. So instead, I contined to fall down a dark, airy hole. Quite literally, this is what it felt like. My bones tingled with fear as they couldn’t accustom themselves to any sense of space. It felt like there were no sides to anything; no walls, no floors, nothing. The world became a terrifying place. It did not feel safe. Everything felt lost. Most frightening of all was this time I didn’t even feel I had myself. I was a goner.
How had everything just suddenly disappeared ? The tiger had chowed down too big a mouthful of my Peace. Far too big a mouthful. I was desperately wishing some sort of pole would arrive & cement itself down beside me. I needed to hang onto something. I didn’t even know where I was & I definitly didn’t feel I was still. I was falling & so was the world. So for a pole to be there for me, it just felt impossible & anyway where the fuck would the pole come from? A stripper’s bar? I could not think straight.
The bedroom felt insultingly still & removed from my emotions. I could have not been there. Nothing was paying me any attention whatsoever. I stared around, gazing at the clothes, the mess, the furniture – basically everything in the room. I was trying to distract myself but nothing in the room was coming to my rescue. The objects were just standing there. I could feel an urge from within snowballing. An urge to smash something up – nothing was MOVING. I just wanted something to clock my situation, put it’s arms around me & assure me that none of this was really happening. That it was no more than a harmless nightmare. That I would wake up tomorrow morning, full of the springs & grateful to be alive.🌞
I felt so frightened. It seems as if a mad, hallucinating tiger has been preying over me for years & years. Raaaaaaar. An orangey, black, stripey one (dur) with whiskers as long, sharp & pointy as needles. Infected needles…
He sways his head round and round, the needles are so vivid yet so faint and disguised due to the darkness. He ruffles his paw all over my body scratching the fat with his claws. Frostie’s eaten my hands & strapped me down with one of his finest seatbelts. The reason being; it has no eject button. Not that it would make any difference anyway!! (Considering I have no hands).
There seems to be no way out. In desperate search of an emergency exit, I realise I have been fooled & this is no game. I’ve signed the lease of the tiger’s contract & walked head on into the arena of hell; an endless boxing match & I’m losing. If only I had had some humility. Of course I couldn’t beat Frostie in a fight. What was I thinking!!?
After the tiger tires from tormenting me, he gives himself a little break & hands duty over to the Tornado; the Tornado of Horror. This whirlwind swirls me up & I can hardly breathe. The illusion of being in control evaporates within a moment. I am by no means in control, I have been swept up & abducted by the disease of addiction. “I’m in hell, I’m awake, I’m alive, still here, I’m living in hell”.
Back to more of what was happening in the early hours of this morning.. It was pitch black outside & it felt like the whole world was asleep apart from me. Even if they were awake, it’s not as if I could have popped round or even called them up, my disease has cut me off from wanting to see anyone. I felt so disgusted by myself and disconnected from life. I thought about the smiling, laughing people in the world & it made me feel sick. Fuck them. *Sadness *Envy
My mind was buzzing with alertness. I could hear, to my relief, the occasional car fly past & my mind wandered..,thinking if only I was in that car going back to some house to shoot up a whole load of drugs. & then I thought “Sabrina, are you mad ? That is the last place you want to be. You just want to be alone , you want to be all by yourself. You don’t want any more drama or trauma…you want peace, you want silence. You want to be dead”.
So here I was lying in my cherry pit of hopelessness. & deep down gurgling away inside was this longing desire to be well. That’s all I want. I want to be able to be me and I want to live . Joining in laughing , finding things funny , being in the company of smiles & excitement. Not misery doom and gloom this is SO not me . This is not who I am meant to be. One of those fucked up depressed weirdos ……. I mean please! Me! Anyone but me! Not me!
My longing to be back in South Africa was intensely strong. I felt so alone & fearful. My cry I guess sounded similar to a small little dogs.. A wiiny, pained, ‘please help me’ squeaky sound. The noise is ejected in little bursts because the voice box runs out of air.. You know the ones; they come so naturally to little puppies…usually they will also be scratching at a door. Stuck & trying to get out. No one can actually hear them unless you are right down with them. They sometimes get discovered hours later.
I tried to hold myself together as much as I could, I didn’t want my mum to wake up. My poor poor mum, she has been through far too much. More than any mother could ever endure. Real suffering. I was hurting deeply. I still am to be honest. Traumatic flashbacks keep on intruding into my mind. It’s really difficult.
I want everyone’s pain to come to an end, not only mine. I don’t know why I can’t just snap myself put of all of this. I don’t want to go back to South Africa, what I was desperate for last night & still long for this morning is to REWIND TIME🕝 I want to rewind time. I really do.
Sabrina you can’t. What you CAN do though; is start your new life today. You will get everything you had back & more. Also ending your life would be fucking selfish. Your pain may end (or it could be just the beginning…), but your family’s pain, it’s fact that their pain WILL continue for as long as they are breathing. You can sort yourself out. What you are going through now, it can be temporary. The ball is in your court even though you don’t think so. I know you try hard but you need to get HUMBLE. Get with it, grow up.. Just fucking pull yourself together. Love Grown up Sabrina. You know I love you, I’m just sad for you & frustrated. You can do this. I believe in you. xxx
RawKiss Ramble 