Being Mindful

Sometimes, taking the time to be mindful can turn your day around. If you are blessed enough to have all of your five senses in working order; use them.

Each sense can gift you with a limitless amount of joy. The sights, the smells, the sounds … the flavours , the different textures .. Right now I dare you to touch something. Go on! Touch something. How does it feel? What is it? Where did it come from? Does it feel nice?

Take another moment to pause again. Are you connected? Are you grateful? Are you happy?

I’ll quit with the interrogation now. My cravings are through the roof and I’m just actually trying to help myself. 1) By asking myself these questions 2) Helping you  #changingways #urgent

I took this picture today. Royal purple petals & delicate raindrops.

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Reflection

I never felt abandoned.

I never felt unloved.

I never felt bullied.

I never felt unpopular.

Everyone bent over backwards to try and help me. I had more support than anyone I know & I was given more chances and opportunities than anybody I know….

I don’t actually know what’s wrong with me.

I do know I struggle to discipline myself but doesn’t everyone?

What I’ve done to my life is really not a joke, it’s a tragedy. 😖

Snaps The Crocodile

Meet Snaps the Crocodile.

He owns a pair of scissors & a pair of rollerblades.

He loves snipping things up & has driven into many people on his rollerblades.

He always pretends it’s an accident but he will never help you up.

Instead, he uses the opportunity to rollerblade into your mind…

He loves your mind. Please do not mistake this for him loving you.

He’s drawn to your mind because inside your mind there are many, many wires…

These wires enable you to function. Without these wires, you wouldn’t be able to do anything. In fact, you wouldn’t be able to live.

When Snaps is rollerblading around in your mind, he pretends to be in a competition. He likes to believe that he is competing against other reptiles, but really, he is actually all alone.

When Snaps comes into contact with a wire in your mind, his yellow eyes light up. He sees these wires as finish lines.

He pulls his scissors out from the inside of his jaw. That’s where his scissors live, they fit perfectly.

He snips the wire & feels a delusional sense of victory.

With every wire Snaps snips, you lose another part of your ability to function… Oh no, this is a disaster!

Snaps is addicted to snipping your wires.

Quick, we must find a way to kill Snaps the Crocodile before he kills us! How do we get Snaps the crocodile out of our minds?

Check out AA.org or OA.org. They might be able to help you.

Together, we can do what is impossible alone.

A Night Of My Life

My heavy body is sleeping lightly at the moment. I miss the days when my light body was sleeping heavily. The days when I was healthy, happy & alive… Those days – I just want them back.

In the dark, early hours of this morning, despair decided to come out to play. He pounced right on top of me & dug his teeth deep into my heart. His intention was to gobble up my last, remaining reserve of Love. This has always been his sly desire. So I fell into a wakeful coma. My insides shuddered for hours. I guess I could have measured in on the Richter scale @ 9.

The weirdness of ‘life’ after abandonment of oneself; it is the bizarrest of concepts to get your head around. Also the bizarrest of feelings. It always leaves me feeling wildly disorientated.

My head was spinning. In an auto mode of survival, I attempted to recover a sense of ground. I did this by scanning my brain but I found nothing. So instead, I contined to fall down a dark, airy hole. Quite literally, this is what it felt like. My bones tingled with fear as they couldn’t accustom themselves to any sense of space. It felt like there were no sides to anything; no walls, no floors, nothing. The world became a terrifying place. It did not feel safe. Everything felt lost. Most frightening of all was this time I  didn’t even feel I had myself. I was a goner.

How had everything just suddenly disappeared ? The tiger had chowed down too big a mouthful of my Peace. Far too big a mouthful. I was desperately wishing some sort of pole would arrive & cement itself down beside me. I needed to hang onto something. I didn’t even know where I was & I definitly didn’t feel I was still. I was falling & so was the world. So for a pole to be there for me, it just felt impossible & anyway where the fuck would the pole come from? A stripper’s bar? I could not think straight.

The bedroom felt insultingly still & removed from my emotions. I could have not been there. Nothing was paying me any attention whatsoever. I stared around, gazing at the clothes, the mess, the furniture – basically everything in the room. I was trying to distract myself but nothing in the room was coming to my rescue. The objects were just standing there. I could feel an urge from within snowballing. An urge to smash something up – nothing was MOVING. I just wanted something to clock my situation, put it’s arms around me & assure me that none of this was really happening. That it was no more than a harmless nightmare. That I would wake up tomorrow morning, full of the springs & grateful to be alive.🌞

I felt so frightened. It seems as if a mad, hallucinating tiger has been preying over me for years & years. Raaaaaaar. An orangey, black, stripey one (dur) with whiskers as long, sharp & pointy as needles. Infected needles…

He sways his head round and round, the needles are so vivid yet so faint and disguised due to the darkness. He ruffles his paw all over my body scratching the fat with his claws. Frostie’s eaten my hands & strapped me down with one of his finest seatbelts. The reason being; it has no eject button. Not that it would make any difference anyway!! (Considering I have no hands).

There seems to be no way out. In desperate search of an emergency exit, I realise I have been fooled & this is no game. I’ve signed the lease of the tiger’s contract & walked head on into the arena of hell; an endless boxing match & I’m losing. If only I had had some humility. Of course I couldn’t beat Frostie in a fight. What was I thinking!!?

After the tiger tires from tormenting me, he gives himself a little break & hands duty over to the Tornado; the Tornado of Horror. This whirlwind swirls me up & I can hardly breathe. The illusion of being in control evaporates within a moment. I am by no means in control, I have been swept up & abducted by the disease of addiction. “I’m in hell, I’m awake, I’m alive, still here, I’m living in hell”.

Back to more of what was happening in the early hours of this morning.. It was pitch black outside & it felt like the whole world was asleep apart from me. Even if they were awake, it’s not as if I could have popped round or even called them up, my disease has cut me off from wanting to see anyone. I felt so disgusted by myself and disconnected from life. I thought about the smiling, laughing people in the world & it made me feel sick. Fuck them. *Sadness *Envy

My mind was buzzing with alertness. I could hear, to my relief, the occasional car fly past & my mind wandered..,thinking if only I was in that car going back to some house to shoot up a whole load of drugs. & then I thought “Sabrina, are you mad ? That is the last place you want to be. You just want to be alone , you want to be all by yourself. You don’t want any more drama or trauma…you want peace, you want silence. You want to be dead”.

So here I was lying in my cherry pit of hopelessness. & deep down gurgling away inside was this longing desire to be well. That’s all I want. I want to be able to be me and I want to live . Joining in laughing , finding things funny , being in the company of smiles & excitement. Not misery doom and gloom this is SO not me . This is not who I am meant to be. One of those fucked up depressed weirdos ……. I mean please! Me! Anyone but me! Not me!

My longing to be back in South Africa was intensely strong. I felt so alone & fearful. My cry I guess sounded similar to a small little dogs.. A wiiny, pained, ‘please help me’ squeaky sound. The noise is ejected in little bursts because the voice box runs out of air.. You know the ones; they come so naturally to little puppies…usually they will also be scratching at a door. Stuck & trying to get out. No one can actually hear them unless you are right down with them. They sometimes get discovered hours later.

I tried to hold myself together as much as I could, I didn’t want my mum to wake up. My poor poor mum, she has been through far too much. More than any mother could ever endure. Real suffering. I was hurting deeply. I still am to be honest. Traumatic flashbacks keep on intruding into my mind. It’s really difficult.

I want everyone’s pain to come to an end, not only mine. I don’t know why I can’t just snap myself put of all of this. I don’t want to go back to South Africa, what I was desperate for last night & still long for this morning is to REWIND TIME🕝 I want to rewind time. I really do.

Sabrina you can’t.  What you CAN do though; is start your new life today. You will get everything you had back & more. Also ending your life would be fucking selfish. Your pain may end (or it could be just the beginning…), but your family’s pain, it’s fact that their pain WILL continue for as long as they are breathing. You can sort yourself out. What you are going through now, it can be temporary. The ball is in your court even though you don’t think so. I know you try hard but you need to get HUMBLE. Get with it, grow up.. Just fucking pull yourself together. Love Grown up Sabrina. You know I love you, I’m just sad for you & frustrated. You can do this. I believe in you. xxx

Hell

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Hell, I believe is not a place.

For a long period of my life, I imagined hell to be this huge, hidden volt underground that was just full of fire & terrifying witches who would be flying around madly on their broomsticks! You’d hear the screeching sound of their cackling laughter & if that wasn’t piercing your ears enough, the unbearable noise of the squaking hawks would drive you totally insane.

I also imagined it to be the place where the Child Catcher lived. The flaming floor made up of sinking sand would suck you riiight down under. You’d rumble & tumble, round & round & land up with the most dreadful headrush. Whilst this was going on, the bubbling cauldrons would be cooking up a toxic smoke… Slowly but surely, this toxic smoke would suffocate you into “the black out state”.

When you woke up from this state, I imagined you’d be haunted by demons and dragons & there would be no escape. You’d look around & after all of this, your eyes would be forced into contact with even more burning fire. In the midst of all this fire, there would be dead carcuses floating around.. Bloody skulls & skeletons, broken swords & vicious cat like devil animals. These devilcats would be the most terrifying of all, with their swirly red tails & unpredictable personalities.

The flowers would all be dead and every time you even glanced at one; the thorns of the roses would come and spike the soles of your feet, giving you the most agonizing pins and needles of your life.. (I’ve always hated pins and needles!!).

As time goes on in hell, I imagined it to just get worse and worse to the point where the scolding of your soul rips you into smithereens… You die ten hundred times over but it is never the end. There is NO rest for the wicked! You remain in this HORRIFICALLY painful cycle for an eternity.

From my experience in addiction, I have come to know hell in a whole new light. Or rather, should I say darkness. Hell is very much like how I have described above but fundamentally, I believe it to actually be a state of mind. The mind can blow your head off with it’s power quite literally. Don’t quote me but I think it may say something similar to this in the bible too (About it being about thoughts & feelings). It’s not ACTUALLY a physical place.

Hell is not bearable. AWFUL. TRULY AWFUL. Hell is not living in a gutter on the street with no money, no family, no food (even though someone in these circumstances probably is in hell) … The situation itself is not hell. I believe

Hell is the make up of very intense strong feelings with no God. That is the most important part of it all. NO GOD. When you turn your back on Him…You walk away from any any any hope of Heaven. This is loneliness. For those of you who do not believe in GOD, you can substitute the word God for the words; Love, Understanding, Forgiveness, Support, Care … All those words would work. For God is all those things.

I don’t know where we go when we really die, like when our hearts stop beating. I think it says something in the bible that we just stay here on earth but if you get into heaven; you experience earth in full colour. The luxury deluxe version and if you fail admission into heaven; you live in this same world… but without a single drop of grace. Can you imagine that?

Everyone feels crappy feelings so pick one that has overwhelmed you more than any other & use that as your foundation to try & grasp an idea of what it feels like to be in the bleakest of darknesses (which is where I am now). I mean if you even want to? Now that I’m writing this, I’m thinking why would anyone want to have an understanding of what it feels like!!!? Maybe you are interested… Otherwise you probably would have stopped reading.

It will be hard for you to grasp a true understanding of my hell. I do think one is unable to comprehend how terrifying these feelings can be until you have experienced them to the extent I and other addicts have.

When I was 17, I thought I knew what loneliness meant. When I heard it being described & spoken about in the rooms, I completely identified & thought I knew exactly what they were talking about. They gave such detailed descriptions, that I didn’t believe there was any more to it. I was convinced I had experienced it, after all, I knew just what they were talking about. I was sure I had reached the pit of loneliensss. BOYYYYYYYY I was wrong. The lonliensss I have experienced as a 21 year old is of a similar kind to that of which I experienced aged 17 – but the volume of it doesn’t even compare.

Intense feelings HAUNT you & living hell is a very real place. No one should ever underestimate the depths of darkness one is capable of experiencing. I believe all feelings have a limitless capacity. They can continue to get stronger & stronger & stronger.

Feeling these feelings to such an extreme increases your awareness within and around the world. So much so, that you actually catapult into a whole new dimension; hell/heaven. It was not until I felt the utter darkness of these feelings, that I could even be open to idea of such an almighty power existing in this world. The sunsets, the oceans, the mountains, they didn’t do it for me. They amazed me but didn’t astonish me to the point where I fell head over heals.

There is an immense Power rumbling around hidden so mysteriously under the surface of this world. We live in, under and on top of a thunderbolt. What lies gurgling in the atmosphere, ready to erupt, it is terrifying. However, on the other hand, there are always two sides to the coin. There is soooo much good stuff brewing away inside our magical ozone. If only I could just tap into it. I am trapped in hell.

Here below is a list of what I believe hell consists of. Feeling all of these feelings and then walking into a flaming fire. (The flaming fire; continuing to use your drug of choice, in spite of) That, I believe is real hell. Sheer sheer torment.

Lost Alone Isolated Disconnected Angry Unhappy Closed Self Loathing Shame Fear Terror Embarrassment Awkwardness Feeling of intruding Feeling of being unwelcome Feeling of being unaccepted Sadness Remorse Grief Jealously Panic Ungrounded Directionless Unfulfilled Empty Lost Weak Grimey Hungry Unsatisfied A danger to self and others The world seeing you as horrible when your true nature is kindness Misunderstood Abandoned Feeling trapped in a the wrong body & mind Fat / Feeling fat Less than Disgusted Scary Paranoia Anxiety Incompetence Stupid Different Worthless Rude A monster Mad Difficult Ugly Scary Disorganized In a mess Unable to think straight Lack of identity No sense of self Sense of doom

Devil Horned Flaming Motorbikes

My heart was in pain. It actually felt as if it was being pulled by some powerful force in completely contrary directions.

Imagine a circle or a cog with lots of ropes attached to every little segment, covering the entire circumference.

Let’s say the ropes are attached 1/2 a centimeter a part from eachother. Are you following me ?

Now these ropes are all being pulled at a hundred million miles an hour by DevilHorned Flaming motorbikes… I don’t know where the motorbikes are traveling to. I think just as far away from my core as they can get. Broooom Broooom travelling at the speed of sound or even faster LIGHTENING!!!

Can you imagine the agony this circle is feeling from being so unnaturally stretched? I don’t know why I said circle , I should really have just said heart. But I was imagining the world and my world being blown up… stretched and pulled to the point where it’s about to burst and inside all that’s left is this tiny tiny little crying girl down on her knees. (Blonde hair, blue eyes – name : little mimi)

The little girl is all alone so the fairy godmother comes along and asks, “what the fuck happened here?” and little Mimi goes “I don’t know i hate the world I hate everything about it I’ve just been left, abandoned there’s no one here they’ve all gone somewhere else.”

The fairy godmother responds, “shall I take you to the new world where everyone else has gone . Funnily enough I think your family and friends are actually at the races do you want to go? Lots of horsies!”

Little Mimi goes, “NO , I want nothing to do with them, they left me and I was drowning swallowing a whole load of salt water. The oceans came crashing down & collapsed right on top of me. I was suffering & they all just left me”

The fairy godmother asked little Mimi where she would like to go & little Mimi’s answer was “out of this corrupt land, I just want to go and sit by my father up at the top on a puffy armchair I want to watch the world from above with him. I want to be the umpire with my father and I want to be his special one . I want one up on all those people. When I am with my father the people that were so mean to me who made me suffer such as my grandmother who turned my world upside down, well when I am up with my father they will just all look like ugly black ants. Crawling around . Maybe there will be a few wood lice too. The fairy godmother asked little Mimi is she wants to go play heaven tennis ? Little Mimi asks what that is and The fairy godmother said it’s amazingly fun – as soon as your step onto the heaven court you have the ability to play tennis just like Serena Williams … & you will be playing against Federer and he will be so impressed with you. You’ll also transform into an adult & your name will be Sabrina.

“You will play for hours & not get tired … You will play into the moonlight, lol, cringe and then he will be flirting with you because he really fancied you. All along. You will be full of confidence &amp wearing your new reebok trainers. You will feel like you can conquer the world”.

“AND THEN GUESS WHAT”said the fairy godmother in excitement, “you’ll end up getting married to Federer and living happily ever after & that would be the end of that and you would be away from the black ants and the wood louse”. Little Mimi lights up and exclaims, “that sounds great!!!!”.

Rumbling For Respite