Hell

Hell, I believe is not a place.

For a long period of my life, I imagined hell to be this huge, hidden volt underground that was just full of fire & terrifying witches who would be flying around madly on their broomsticks! You’d hear the screeching sound of their cackling laughter & if that wasn’t piercing your ears enough, the unbearable noise of the squaking hawks would drive you totally insane.

I also imagined it to be the place where the Child Catcher lived. The flaming floor made up of sinking sand would suck you riiight down under. You’d rumble & tumble, round & round & land up with the most dreadful headrush. Whilst this was going on, the bubbling cauldrons would be cooking up a toxic smoke… Slowly but surely, this toxic smoke would suffocate you into “the black out state”.

When you woke up from this state, I imagined you’d be haunted by demons and dragons & there would be no escape. You’d look around & after all of this, your eyes would be forced into contact with even more burning fire. In the midst of all this fire, there would be dead carcuses floating around.. Bloody skulls & skeletons, broken swords & vicious cat like devil animals. These devilcats would be the most terrifying of all, with their swirly red tails & unpredictable personalities.

The flowers would all be dead and every time you even glanced at one; the thorns of the roses would come and spike the soles of your feet, giving you the most agonizing pins and needles of your life.. (I’ve always hated pins and needles!!).

As time goes on in hell, I imagined it to just get worse and worse to the point where the scolding of your soul rips you into smithereens… You die ten hundred times over but it is never the end. There is NO rest for the wicked! You remain in this HORRIFICALLY painful cycle for an eternity.

From my experience in addiction, I have come to know hell in a whole new light. Or rather, should I say darkness. Hell is very much like how I have described above but fundamentally, I believe it to actually be a state of mind. The mind can blow your head off with it’s power quite literally. Don’t quote me but I think it may say something similar to this in the bible too (About it being about thoughts & feelings). It’s not ACTUALLY a physical place.

Hell is not bearable. AWFUL. TRULY AWFUL. Hell is not living in a gutter on the street with no money, no family, no food (even though someone in these circumstances probably is in hell) … The situation itself is not hell. I believe

Hell is the make up of very intense strong feelings with no God. That is the most important part of it all. NO GOD. When you turn your back on Him…You walk away from any any any hope of Heaven. This is loneliness. For those of you who do not believe in GOD, you can substitute the word God for the words; Love, Understanding, Forgiveness, Support, Care … All those words would work. For God is all those things.

I don’t know where we go when we really die, like when our hearts stop beating. I think it says something in the bible that we just stay here on earth but if you get into heaven; you experience earth in full colour. The luxury deluxe version and if you fail admission into heaven; you live in this same world… but without a single drop of grace. Can you imagine that?

Everyone feels crappy feelings so pick one that has overwhelmed you more than any other & use that as your foundation to try & grasp an idea of what it feels like to be in the bleakest of darknesses (which is where I am now). I mean if you even want to? Now that I’m writing this, I’m thinking why would anyone want to have an understanding of what it feels like!!!? Maybe you are interested… Otherwise you probably would have stopped reading.

It will be hard for you to grasp a true understanding of my hell. I do think one is unable to comprehend how terrifying these feelings can be until you have experienced them to the extent I and other addicts have.

When I was 17, I thought I knew what loneliness meant. When I heard it being described & spoken about in the rooms, I completely identified & thought I knew exactly what they were talking about. They gave such detailed descriptions, that I didn’t believe there was any more to it. I was convinced I had experienced it, after all, I knew just what they were talking about. I was sure I had reached the pit of loneliensss. BOYYYYYYYY I was wrong. The lonliensss I have experienced as a 21 year old is of a similar kind to that of which I experienced aged 17 – but the volume of it doesn’t even compare.

Intense feelings HAUNT you & living hell is a very real place. No one should ever underestimate the depths of darkness one is capable of experiencing. I believe all feelings have a limitless capacity. They can continue to get stronger & stronger & stronger.

Feeling these feelings to such an extreme increases your awareness within and around the world. So much so, that you actually catapult into a whole new dimension; hell/heaven. It was not until I felt the utter darkness of these feelings, that I could even be open to idea of such an almighty power existing in this world. The sunsets, the oceans, the mountains, they didn’t do it for me. They amazed me but didn’t astonish me to the point where I fell head over heals.

There is an immense Power rumbling around hidden so mysteriously under the surface of this world. We live in, under and on top of a thunderbolt. What lies gurgling in the atmosphere, ready to erupt, it is terrifying. However, on the other hand, there are always two sides to the coin. There is soooo much good stuff brewing away inside our magical ozone. If only I could just tap into it. I am trapped in hell.

Here below is a list of what I believe hell consists of. Feeling all of these feelings and then walking into a flaming fire. (The flaming fire; continuing to use your drug of choice, in spite of) That, I believe is real hell. Sheer sheer torment.

Lost Alone Isolated Disconnected Angry Unhappy Closed Self Loathing Shame Fear Terror Embarrassment Awkwardness Feeling of intruding Feeling of being unwelcome Feeling of being unaccepted Sadness Remorse Grief Jealously Panic Ungrounded Directionless Unfulfilled Empty Lost Weak Grimey Hungry Unsatisfied A danger to self and others The world seeing you as horrible when your true nature is kindness Misunderstood Abandoned Feeling trapped in a the wrong body & mind Fat / Feeling fat Less than Disgusted Scary Paranoia Anxiety Incompetence Stupid Different Worthless Rude A monster Mad Difficult Ugly Scary Disorganized In a mess Unable to think straight Lack of identity No sense of self Sense of doom